Why 'One More Hug' Isn't the Real Problem: Understanding Toddler Bedtime Battles

If you have a toddler, chances are bedtime feels a little bit like a hostage negotiation some nights.
Just one more hug, Mommy!"
"I forgot to tell you something!"
"Wait, I need my other stuffed animal. No, the other one. No, the other other one!"
"I need water!"

Sound familiar?

These last-minute demands can leave even the most patient parent feeling frustrated, defeated, and wondering what on earth they’re doing wrong.

The good news?
You’re not doing anything wrong.
Your toddler isn’t “bad” at sleeping.
You’re not failing at bedtime.

Bedtime battles are developmentally normal — and once you understand why they happen, you can approach them with more confidence (and a lot less stress).

What's Really Going On During Toddler Bedtime Battles?

At face value, your child is asking for water, hugs, another story, a different stuffed animal.
But underneath the surface, something much bigger is happening.

Toddlers are wired to seek connection and control.
At the end of the day — the longest separation they’ll have from you — they instinctively crave reassurance. They want to feel close, safe, and in charge of something (anything) as they face the big task of falling asleep on their own.

Here’s why:

• Connection:
  Toddlers need emotional closeness with their caregivers. Sleep represents separation — and separation can feel a little scary to a toddler brain. More hugs, more talking, and more "one more thing" can be their subconscious way of asking, "Are you still here for me? Will you still be there when I wake up?"

• Control:
  Throughout the day, toddlers are told what to do: eat this, sit there, don’t touch that, come here. At bedtime, they may naturally push back to feel like they have some autonomy. Controlling small things (like how many hugs they get or how many sips of water they take) feels empowering.

The bedtime requests aren't a sign of manipulation or defiance.
They’re a sign that your toddler is seeking reassurance and agency — two very normal, very healthy needs.

Common Toddler Bedtime Stall Tactics

Toddlers are masters of the delay game. Here are some of the classics you might recognize:

• "I’m hungry."

• "I need to go potty again."

• "I forgot to say goodnight to the cat."

• "I’m scared of the dark."

• "Can you check my closet for monsters?"

• "I need a Band-Aid for this invisible scratch."

• "Just one more kiss!"

• "Tell me one more story."

Some nights it’s cute. Other nights it’s downright exhausting.
But knowing what’s underneath the stalling helps you address the real need — not just the surface request.

How to Handle Bedtime Battles Without Losing Your Mind

The goal isn’t to shut down your toddler’s needs; it’s to meet their need for connection and control in a way that still protects healthy boundaries around sleep.

Here’s how:

1. Fill Their Connection Cup Early

Spend 10–15 minutes of focused one-on-one time with your toddler during the evening routine — before lights out.
Play a game, snuggle, read, or just be fully present without distractions.
This helps reassure them they are loved and seen, making separation at bedtime feel less urgent.

Tip: Call it “Special Time” — toddlers LOVE when it has a name.

2. Offer Choices Before Bed

Give your toddler little choices to help them feel empowered.
For example:

• “Do you want to brush teeth first or put on pajamas first?”

• “Which book do you want to read: Goodnight Moon or The Very Hungry Caterpillar?”

• “Do you want two hugs or three hugs before lights out?”

When toddlers get small doses of appropriate control, they’re much less likely to seek power struggles later.

3. Set a Clear “Last Call”

Before tucking them in, offer a "last call" for water, hugs, trips to the potty, and anything else they usually ask for.

You might say:
"Okay, it’s time for last call! One last trip to the potty, one last sip of water, one last hug — then we get cozy in bed."

Be warm but firm. Ritualizing it signals to your toddler that their needs are important and that bedtime has a clear endpoint.

4. Stick to the Boundary (Kindly)

Once you’ve completed "last call," resist the urge to cave to additional demands.
Validate their feelings warmly, but hold your boundary.

Example: "I hear that you want another hug. We had our last hug, and now it’s time for sleep. I love you. I’ll see you when your sleep light turns green."

Stay calm and consistent. If you cave once, the stalling cycle often intensifies.

5. Use a Visual Routine Chart

Toddlers love seeing what’s next. A simple picture chart showing each bedtime step (bath, pajamas, books, hugs, lights out) can work wonders.

It reduces anxiety and resistance because they know what’s coming.

(If you want, I can even send you a free printable version!)

6. Give a Toddler-Friendly "Goodnight Script"

End each night with a simple, predictable phrase like: "Goodnight, my love. You’re safe. Mommy will see you in the morning."

Hearing the same words night after night can be surprisingly comforting to a toddler’s developing brain.

What Not to Do: Common Mistakes That Make Bedtime Harder

Even with the best intentions, sometimes small habits can accidentally make bedtime battles worse.
Here are a few pitfalls to watch for:

• Negotiating too much:
  Once you’ve given a choice, stick with it. Endless negotiating creates confusion.

• Dragging out the routine:
  Long routines can make toddlers overtired and even more resistant. Aim for about 20–30 minutes total.

• Getting visibly frustrated:
  (Easier said than done, I know.) Toddlers feed off your emotions. Staying calm helps them regulate their own feelings better.

• Giving inconsistent responses:
  If sometimes you allow “one more” and sometimes you don’t, toddlers will push harder to see which answer they’ll get tonight. Consistency is key.

A Quick Word on Big Emotions at Bedtime

Sometimes toddlers will cry, yell, or even tantrum when they realize bedtime really is happening.
It’s not because you’re being mean.
It’s because their little brains are still learning to handle disappointment and big feelings.

Your job isn’t to prevent their emotions — it’s to stay steady through them.

You can say:
"It’s okay to be sad. I’m right here. It’s still time for sleep."

It’s powerful for a child to experience that:

• Their feelings are allowed.

• Boundaries are still safe and loving.

• You will stay calm no matter how big their emotions are.

This helps them build emotional resilience that will serve them long after toddlerhood.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

Toddler bedtime battles aren’t a sign of failure — they’re a normal part of growing up.

Your toddler’s last-minute hugs and requests aren't manipulation or bad behavior.
They’re a way of saying, "I love you. I need you. I'm still learning how to let go."

When you respond with connection, offer appropriate control, and hold loving boundaries, bedtime can shift from a battleground to a place of security and trust.

You’re doing important, beautiful work — even on the nights when it doesn’t feel like it.

Need a little extra support?
Sometimes a few personalized tweaks to your bedtime routine can make a huge difference. If you ever feel stuck, overwhelmed, or just need someone to walk alongside you, I'm here to help.
(Click here to schedule a free sleep support chat!)